By Kimberly Manning, Senior Director of Brand at Kochava and parent of Charles in the Nursery
I wanted to thank the school and staff for bringing Diana Graber to speak to Sandpoint about Cyber Civics. As a parent of four children, ages 15, 13, 9, and 3, I was very interested in her topic!
One of my favorite aspects of Ms. Graber’s approach was how respectful it was to our teens and pre-teens. The world is filled with technology, and whether you restrict your children from it or not, they will encounter it. Just like other challenging subjects that tend to come up as our children rise toward adulthood (like sex), it’s best to be honest with them and give them the right amount of accurate information for their age. By entrusting them with the truth, respecting them enough to be honest, and being vulnerable about our concerns (and yes, fears!) in their best interest, we put them in a wonderful position to make healthy, confident choices.
The material Ms. Graber presented had some fascinating, often concerning research, and I left her presentation much better informed on how apps like Instagram and Snapchat impact my child’s social experience and confidence, among other things. I want to be more informed on these things, and I’m not necessarily doing the research myself! So even though we run a software company, I learned a LOT at this presentation.
In my own family’s experience, the combination of a smart phone, the pre-teen/ teen developing brain, and the social explosion around 7th grade, can be quite destructive. Smart phones provide myriad ways to develop alternative identities and communication methods under social pressure. Many kids are drawn toward the prospect of an alternative version of themselves, projected from behind the screen of their phone, to the projected versions of their peer groups. They do this over texting, and the photo and chat functions within Instagram, Snap, games and many other apps (Facebook isn’t cool anymore, by the way, except for us old people!).
What kids avoid is the very uncomfortable, and nuanced experience of face to face conversations. And exactly during the time they are supposed to be learning these skills! Asking someone on a date, for example, is a huge social risk! Why not just avoid it and do it over text or Insta? Imagine how much more appealing this approach is to a teenager. Alternatively, screens enable one to say, for example, totally inappropriate things because the risk of an offended face-to-face reaction is so far removed. This very quickly leads to a numbing effect, with young people egging each other on to push it one step further.
So, one way we think about it within a family is, the phone is not provided as a means to be someone you are not. An up-front contract can help with this before the phone arrives, spelling out in writing what the rules are for engaging with technology. For example, nothing on your phone is private (knowing that parents can and might peruse your activity can really make kids think twice about what they are willing to type or tolerate from friends, and they NEED those boundaries at first!); you can’t use the phone past a certain time at night; you can’t download or install any apps or games without parental permission, etc.. There are many ways this idea applies, and each family will have their own approach. But regardless, it’s wonderful to help the child put the tool in the proper context, rather than use it in a way that causes them to lose their foundation, or forget who they really are.
Finally, like Diana Graber, I want to defend technology as an incredible resource to our children. Not necessarily apps like the ones discussed above, but there are truly creative things that are enabled by smartphones, and teens are pretty amazing at coming up with new approaches and uses for them. Coding is a fabulous skill that enables kids to harness technology for their own endeavors, not to mention it’s a very viable and rewarding career path. Photography, music, and videography enabled by smart phones and new technologies are revolutionary, and you can access the world via these hand-held tools, to promote your message, your art, your ideas. Teens inherently understand this, and they deserve a chance to explore the possibilities, albeit with the proper warnings and protections in place. What a shame it would be to let our fears of the dark side prevent our children from using these tools to their full potential in pursuit of their unique goals and gifts.
Diana Graber talked about studying the privacy policies of common apps with teens, and showing them exactly what they are agreeing to when they click their consent. There was some healthy outrage, and she finds this to be a common response among teens in her classes! Well ironically, adults are rarely reading the fine print of a privacy agreement either, and we should. Learning how to value your personal data and restrict what you are permitting others to do with it is the digital equivalent to valuing your physical body and setting healthy boundaries about what you are and are not OK with.
It’s brilliant to inform teens through Cyber Civics rather than just hide from the coming onslaught of technology in their lives or pretend that it isn’t coming. It is coming, and our children can weather it with our guidance, just like we are hoping to prepare them to weather all the other challenges life will throw at them as they spread their wings: With dignity, wisdom, and confidence. They will lose their way here and there, just like we all do at various times, but with foundations like the ones your community and families are working to instill in your children, they can find their way back. Taking technology away completely periodically is a great way to reset, and a natural consequence. Hopefully they will find that they enjoy real interactions and experiences better than the version behind the screen anyway!
Thanks again bringing Diana Graber’s Cyber Civics to town and for the chance to host the talk at Kochava, and thanks for the opportunity to comment on this valuable presentation. Bravo, Sandpoint Waldorf School!